Notes From the Well

Well I couldn’t make my appt yesterday. The roads were impassable and the doctor’s office was closed. I’m rescheduled now for 2/6 at 1 p.m. I don’t know how I’m going to last another week and a half but what choice do I have? I should be grateful, though, since the first appointment the wanted to give me wasn’t until 2/12.

“Just give your pain to Jesus.”

There are so many things wrong with this expression, I barely know where to begin.

1. Just: it makes it sound like this should be the simplest thing in the world.

2. The whole thing just adds one more thing to the mountain of failures on my part that are the reason I’m still sick. If I’d “just give it to Jesus” then I’d be better. Once again, it’s my fault.

3. Don’t you think I’d give it away if I could?!? What kind of masochist would know how to give it away and not do it?

4. What does this even mean? How does one do this, practically? Without practical instruction, this just comes off like pschyobabble, trite, pat fluff. Worse than useless because it promises an answer but doesn’t tell me how to achieve it.

I don’t think anyone means to cause pain when they say this, but I also don’t think I can be the only one that’s ever been frustrated or hurt by it.

So, now the weather forecast is looking like it’s going to start icing today, and stay that way until Wednesday sometime. Normally, this would be a blessing, as I could take a few days off work, but there’s the small matter of that doctor’s appointment of mine on Tuesday. I don’t know how I am going to make it if I can’t make that appointment. That’s the biggest thing that has kept me hanging on for the last few days: I have to give this appointment a chance. Now that I feel that chance being pulled away…the grip I have already felt slippery…

Please pray that somehow the weather forecast would be wrong and I’ll be able to go to that appointment on Tuesday.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I really feel the Lord sustaining me through them. Feels like a long wait until Tuesday and honestly, I’m really skeptical as to whether another psychiatrist can help, but I have to trust the Lord. What other choice is there?

Well, I’m home now. I’m going to try to go to bed soon; it’s been an exhausting day. Thank you all so much for your love and your prayers.

Basically, the experience wasn’t awful at the hospital, but I’ve learned that there’s really not much they can do for me unless I’m planning on actually killing myself immediately. In which case, it’s unlikely I’d actually go to the hospital. Oh the irony! But, I am thankful that they got me in to see a psychiatrist on Tuesday at 2 p.m.

Please keep me in your prayers. I’m scared to go to work tomorrow; hoping they aren’t mad at me. And pray that the doctor I see has wisdom and that I am able to tell him what I need to so that he has all the info he needs to make the best diagnosis and the best plan of attack. Also, that whatever plan we come up with won’t cost me my drivers license.

Thanks again for everything.