Notes From the Well

So, I had my first follow-up appointment with the new doctor yesterday. Bottom line is he wants me to give this combination of medications four more weeks to see how they do and then come see him, so I have another appointment on March 17th at 4:20 p.m. I can live with this. It takes time for these meds to reach full effectiveness, and I understand that.

But…I sort of felt like he didn’t really let me express some concerns that I had (I feel like I’ve been really crabby in the last 4 days or so, and a few other things). I’m not worried enough that I want to drop him, but it’s a red flag.

He did encourage me again to get some counseling and today I contacted a doctor. She works in the same technique (EMDR) as the therapist I saw in Austin, and not having much else to go on, I went with that. I spoke with the lady that does her scheduling today and she’s as sweet as she can be, so that’s encouraging. She said she’d call me tomorrow with an appointment time.

And there’s your nuts and bolts update.

Today was kind of heavy. I spoke with my dear friend and mentor, H. She is so precious to me, such a gift from God, so truly a sister, words cannot express. She’s so wise and God’s used her immeasurably in my life. She’s kind of like my Ananias, used by God to drop the scales off my eyes.

Today, I shared with her how heavily I was hit by a Bible study that talked about how Christians were not meant to live in defeat. She let me talk about it a bit and then said to me, “But, Rachel, you aren’t in defeat. You are sick.” She spoke more, and the gist of it was, “If you were in defeat, you would be failing, falling, actively in willful sin. You are not any of those things, you are just sick.”

I told her how defeated I feel, so much of the time, and she reminded me that it’s not about how I feel. And then she nailed me when she told me that I really have a problem with self-loathing. Immediately, I started to cry, because that is so true. I told her how I know so much of these things are lies, but they are so powerful.

She challenged me to pray about this, to pray that I would see myself how God sees me, to pray to know how much God loves me, to get my eyes off myself and on to how big God is, to pray to see how it’s all about Jesus and what He’s done already and not where I think I am failing, etc. I was so moved by this exchange.

We hung up and I went back to my work and later, a song I’d almost forgotten about came on my iPod. It’s called Let Your Light Shine by Bethany Dillon (who’s amazing, by the way). I listened to this wonderful song, and then listened to it the whole drive home, over and over again.

As I listened, I initially cringed, because the thought of God’s light shining on all the dark places of my heart scared me. But then I remembered, I have nothing to fear from God’s light. I am completely redeemed, bought and paid for at the cross. My sins, yes, were as scarlet, but now they are white as snow. God’s light is not something for me to fear, it is something for me to welcome. God’s light will shine on the lies I struggle with and expose them. His light will separate lies from the truth. His light will banish the darkness and the work of the evil one. And yes, His light, the light of love, will expose areas in me that He wants to change, because He loves me! Not to shame me.

This was such a powerful revelation to me. I could not stop weeping in gratitude that the one that split the light from the darkness would shine the light of His truth, love, and glory on me! That He’s filled me with His Spirit, covered me with His blood and love.

I wanted to share the song with you all. Be sure to listen carefully to the lyrics (they’re in the video, too), because they are really rich.

As I was weeping and trying to sing, I prayed “God, let me stop crying so that I can really sing this to you.” Immediately, the Lord spoke to my heart saying “I love it when you sing to me like this, through tears of gratitude.” How awesome is our God!”

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. 1 Peter 2:9&10 (emphasis mine)

And here’s a bonus song about God’s marvelous light…

Thank you all for your prayers. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The doctor really seemed to listen to me and to want my participation in the process of deciding what meds to try, etc. I am a little concerned because the office looks really busy, and if I have to wait a long time every time I come in, that’s going to be an issue for me. Plus, I want them to take the same kind of time/attention with me as an existing patient as they did with me as a new patient.

The doctor put me on 3 meds: two mood stabilizers and an antidepressant. I’ve tried one of the mood stabilizers before and while it didn’t really help, it didn’t hurt and I lost 20 lbs. I’m hoping to lose again. That would be sweet as I really need the weight loss. I am hopeful about the antidepressant as depression is the predominant feature of my illness.

I am concerned about the 2nd mood stabilizer, though. It appears to be causing significant morning drowsiness for me, and that cannot continue. I have to go to work in the morning. It’s so odd because 14 hours after taking the med (I take it with dinner), I’m having a very hard time waking up in the morning. I’ve got some feelers out to see if it might get better with time, but I’m pretty afraid to take it tonight, since I have to go to work in the morning, and I have to get up 2.5 hours earlier than I do on the weekends.

I’d appreciate your prayers for wisdom as I try to figure out how to handle this med.

Does anyone else out there have trouble with the question “how are you?”

Sometimes when I am asked this question, I feel pressured. I know that the person asking doesn’t want to pressure me, but I sometimes feel like they’ve asked me so many times, the answer should be “better” or maybe they are sick of hearing “I’m still sick/depressed/etc.”

Then there are the times when people ask me this question and I’m not comfortable enough with that person to tell them the truth. “I want to die” isn’t something you tell just anyone. And even if you can tell that person, sometimes the venue isn’t right. For example, when they ask you in the church foyer between services, or during the handshake minute during the service.

Am I the only one that struggles with this?

The difference between Christian and non: When a nonchristian is convicted of sin, he sides with his sin. A Christian sides with God, against himself. – Mark Dever, as quoted by Abraham Piper, who is live blogging the 2009 Desiring God Pastors Conference.

OUCH! Who am I behaving like?