Notes From the Well

i forgot to update you guys. so, i think it was just illness, etc. messing with me. not to get too gross, but i had a stomach bug so i don’t know that i was getting the full benefits of my medication, if you catch my drift.

things seem to be going well the last few days so, yay. still hoping it will stick.

real update to come soon. i’ve written a lot of it down on paper, just haven’t had time to put it to a post yet.

I may have spoken too soon. Today I am not doing well. Not sure what’s wrong but trying real hard to not freak out and think the sky is falling. Im scared though. What is I’m like one of those patients in Awakenings that is better for just a short while and then the med stops working?

I’m hoping desperately that it’s just a bad combo of being sick (it seems dad gave mom and me a stomach bug), not enough sleep, stress at work, and just plain being afraid of never getting better.

i think i can safely say that adderall is the bomb for me. no side effects, no mania. nothing but good times. it’s so good it’s a bit scary: what if it doesn’t last? what if i go into mania? but it all seems to be good. i took it 6 days last week (monday through saturday) and felt great. no physical side effects: no heart racing, no trouble sleeping, no stomach upset or headache. and no emotional/mental side effects: no mania, no irritability or anxiety. then, because my doctor said to stop when my depression lifted, i stopped taking it. sunday i was fine, but yesterday i crashed hard around 9 am or so. it was awful.

so, i talked to my therapist about it at my appointment yesterday afternoon. she made me call my psychiatrist right away. she also validated what i’d thought: since this adderall worked so quickly and so well with no side effects, maybe i’ve got some kind of ADHD going on. she told me i should see my psychiatrist earlier and tell him all that i told her about my experience on this med. so, i called, got an appointment a week earlier (on april 3) and told them i wanted to start taking the adderall again. still haven’t heard back from him, but i took the adderall this morning again. it took a few hours to kick in this morning but once it did it totally turned everything around.

i can hardly believe it! this might be it! something might actually work!

so, 6 weeks after my trip to the ER, i’ve crashed bad again. instead of just feeling life has no point, i’m back to wanting to solve that by killing myself/being killed/dying. i just haven’t figured out an acceptable means.

so i call my psych on friday and they get me in for an appointment. sounds like they are taking it pretty seriously, right? the doctor grills me about past drug use and i pass cuz i don’t abuse my current meds and i haven’t used speed in the past. so he tells me he wants to put me on adderall. he says that it will help the wellbutrin work faster and that it will get me out of depression quickly, which of course sounds like heaven to me. he also ups my wellbutrin, since i’ve been on the same dose for 6 weeks and i’m still on the verge of being a danger to myself.

so, i leave with my scrips and actually dared to hope a little. to hope that maybe this nightmare might not be permanent. maybe i will feel better. i go to straight to the pharmacy and wait 30 minutes of course, only to be then told by the pharmacist that the dr. didn’t write the DEA number on the adderall scrip and he can’t fill it. immediately i burst into tears and start stammering about how that was the only reason i was there. the pharmacist says i could call the doc’s emergency line; he’s been harassed for doing so before but i could try.

so, i call and get the answering service. i tell them i have an emergency and need to speak to the dr. the rudest guy ever asks what the emergency is. i explain that i’m suicidal and the dr prescribed medication for me that i can’t get because he didn’t write the DEA number on the scrip. he tells me in the rudest way possible that the dr won’t deal with meds on the weekend (it’s 5:40 and i was just at the office at 4:30), period. he said i should go to the hospital if i needed meds that badly.

of course, that sends me into utter despair. i mean, i had dared to hope and now it’s totally ripped out from under me. i started spiraling down so fast. it might seem silly but it devastated me.

on the drive home, i decide to try and call again; maybe i’ll get someone more sympathetic on the answering service. amazingly, i do! and he takes my info and the number for the pharmacy and says he’ll pass the message on to the dr. again, i dare to hope a bit. it was 6:02 when i hung up with the service.

30 minutes goes by, no call to me and no call to the pharmacy. an hour, same. my mom calls the answering service at this point because i’m crying uncontrollably and they say they’ll call the dr. again. suffice it to say it’s now over 27 hours after i called and neither myself nor the pharmacy has received a call from the dr.

i’m utterly despondent. i mean, i don’t even deserve the courtesy of a call to tell me you won’t help me? you know i’m suicidal and you just abandon me to wait 3 days before i can get this med that you promised would help me quickly? (it’s three days because i obviously have to take it in the morning since it’s a stimulant and the pharmacy opens after i’m at work already, so even when i call on monday, i won’t get to take the med until tuesday).

i feel so completely discarded and disrespected. how am i supposed to believe that he gives a crap about me after this? how am i supposed to trust him? i actually dared to believe that this guy might be able to help me despite my firm belief that no one can help me, and now i feel violated and foolish. but the thought of finding another dr makes my stomach churn. what’s the point?

i’m so tired of everything being so hard. i’m tired of everything falling apart, of everything being one horrendous disappointment after another.