I wanted to write this post because I am afraid I might not have accurately portrayed things to you all. I’m afraid that my posts make it seem like I think mental illness is easy, that I’m always able to find some lesson in the stuff I go through, and that I’m always thankful for this. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
In all honesty, mental illness sucks. I hate it. I trust the Lord through it, but sometimes it’s because I have no other option. If I don’t trust the Lord in this, I am really screwed.
I haven’t been myself in over three years. That is a long time to feel like a stranger, and this illness has cost me a lot of relationships that were really important to me. Even if the relationship didn’t totally die, it’s changed, and forever probably. I feel like I’ve lost almost as much as I’ve gained, though what I’ve gained is more precious.
I want everyone reading this to know that I know how hard this is. I only know my own illness (bipolar II), but I know it’s hard as hell. I know that sometimes, making it through the day seems like an impossible feat. I know what it’s like:
- to look around your house, see it in complete disarray, but just not have the energy or real inclination to do anything about it.
- to no longer care about the things you used to care about.
- to want something too desperately but somehow not be able to take the steps you must to make it happen.
- to just want to turn off. to lay down and sleep forever.
- to feel like there’s a monster inside of you that could come out at anytime.
- to be afraid that you will get angry and say things you don’t mean.
- to be frustrated to the point of tears over something you know logically is stupid.
- to be afraid you will embarrass yourself with your illness and the behavior that comes with it.
But, I also know there has to be healing for us. Through meds or through miracles. God’s just shown Himself too faithful to me to believe otherwise.
I struggle, y’all. I’m not very good at dealing with this. I don’t do the “right” thing all the time. I don’t have a whole lot of joy in this most of the time. how much of that is illness and how much of it is my sinful nature? I can’t say. but I don’t care really. I’m waiting on the Lord and giving Him everything I’ve got, even when it’s not much at all.
At least it’s honest.