On Distance, Change, and Being a Flake

I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but ever since I got sick, I have felt this tremendous distance from some of the people that I love. I think it started with just typical depression and the social withdrawing that comes with it. Then it sort of migrated into the “secret life of the soul” where I just felt like there was so much inside me, inside my head, that I could never explain it all, so that created distance. Then there’s the fact that mental illness makes it so hard to do what you commit to, to leave your house, to do anything! And there’s the ever present fact that I am just not the same person that I was before all this. I’ve been changed. In some ways, maybe it’s like living through a violent crime, or the death of a loved one, or war. Not to equate those experience to mental illness, but maybe there are some experiences that just change us–deeply–from the inside out.

I have these relationships that I feel are just never going to be the same again. It’s sad, but maybe there are some relationships that can’t survive such deep and profound change in a person – at least not without them changing severely. I just wish I knew how or had the inner fortitude to fix them or bring them back to some semblance of real.

That’s just one of the things I love about Jesus: our relationship is always 100% real, even when I try to fake it. He sees and hears every thought I have; I never, ever have to explain myself or what I’m feeling to Him. He knows all this and He loves me anyway. He never judges me, never thinks I’m a flake when I really can’t do something, and doesn’t get irritated with me when I really am a flake.

I wish it wasn’t so hard with other people.

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4 thoughts on “On Distance, Change, and Being a Flake

  1. Rachel I know what you mean about feeling isolated, that is pretty much what I have done again, outside of being on the computer, and work I really have not talked to anyone as far as friends go in person. Well about a week ago I went and had a converstion with a friend but he was a pastor and it was more for some counsel. I have talked with people on line but like I said except for work I have not really been anywhere

  2. yeah, mary. i think with me and these friends it’s kind of a two way street. when i’m sick and not thinking right and withdraw, i don’t hear from them, which makes me hurt and want to withdraw more. it’s a vicious cycle. it’s like they don’t know me anymore–because they really don’t.

  3. People are flawed; we expect that. However, Christians are supposed to be different from the world. They will tell you that they missed you, yet they did not call to check up on you. God help us. There is a tremendous self-centeredness in the church today that is willing to help if I don’t have to do anything, a willingness to help if it doesn’t cost me anything, a willingness to work as long as it fits into my schedule. We all suffer from it – we all need to turn from it…

  4. You are God’s child and not a flake šŸ™‚ I have lost 2 marriages – a bind for a Christian in the first place with many churches. Both men cheated and left me – the first over postpartum depression (the divorce spiraled me into agoraphobia) and the second 6 months ago over depression with loss of a relationship with my 20 yr old daughter (she re-established contact w/ my first husband and he convinced her horrible things about me that weren’t true) – this has again spiraled into agoraphobia. There is really sometimes nothing you can do but forgive those who let you down – it’s especially hard when it’s a close friend or spouse who perhaps contributed to your stress/problems and made things worse in the first place. If it helps, God has always put new people in my life when I needed them the most – even if right now most of them are online. I try to look at it like God removed these people who rejected me from my life for my own good. As someone once said to me, would I want to grow old with a man that wouldn’t take care of me if I got cancer or some other illness? When you can, reach out to the few people you can find who realize that mental illness is just as real. We all need people in our lives who can accept us, flaws and all. IMO it’s sad that so many Christians cannot seem to find the heart to do that.

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