I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but ever since I got sick, I have felt this tremendous distance from some of the people that I love. I think it started with just typical depression and the social withdrawing that comes with it. Then it sort of migrated into the “secret life of the soul” where I just felt like there was so much inside me, inside my head, that I could never explain it all, so that created distance. Then there’s the fact that mental illness makes it so hard to do what you commit to, to leave your house, to do anything! And there’s the ever present fact that I am just not the same person that I was before all this. I’ve been changed. In some ways, maybe it’s like living through a violent crime, or the death of a loved one, or war. Not to equate those experience to mental illness, but maybe there are some experiences that just change us–deeply–from the inside out.
I have these relationships that I feel are just never going to be the same again. It’s sad, but maybe there are some relationships that can’t survive such deep and profound change in a person – at least not without them changing severely. I just wish I knew how or had the inner fortitude to fix them or bring them back to some semblance of real.
That’s just one of the things I love about Jesus: our relationship is always 100% real, even when I try to fake it. He sees and hears every thought I have; I never, ever have to explain myself or what I’m feeling to Him. He knows all this and He loves me anyway. He never judges me, never thinks I’m a flake when I really can’t do something, and doesn’t get irritated with me when I really am a flake.
I wish it wasn’t so hard with other people.