Clean Slate

Has anyone ever been tempted to tell their doctor, “I want to get off all the medication I’m on now and start over from scratch.”

It’s been over a year for me and I’m still not stable. I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of trying to throw a new med in, and when it doesn’t work dumping it for another.

I’m on these meds:

  • 200 mg of lamictal 2x daily
  • 600 mg of lithium am, 900 pm
  • 100 mg of seroquel at bedtime

before the seroquel, we tried 5 mg of abilify once a day and that didn’t make a dent.

It seems like every time I try a new med, it works for a while and then it doesn’t.

I’m so discouraged by this.  I know that the Lord knows exactly what meds I need, and He has His reasons (good ones!) for not showing them to my doctor yet.  But I am so so sick of this.


10 thoughts on “Clean Slate

  1. Spiritually, we have been given a clean slate in Jesus; physically, we still deal with an unredeemed body. I am praying for you dear daughter, that the Lord heals you and gives you a physically clean slate as well.


  2. Rachel, You have no idea the impact you have had on people this past year. Even in your brokenness you have spoken words of encouragement and have been honest about your life. People need that.

    I wish I had a magic cure for you but I don’t, but I do know God has you in His grip. Many are praying for you. God bless!

  3. Rachel:

    Your dad sent me the link to your blog and I have been reading it today. I should be working, but I can’t get motivated (common problem for me). I am amazed at some of the things you have written. I didn’t realize other people had the same type of thoughts I have been having for years now. I am glad that someone out there can sympathize with the darkness that swallows me whole on a daily basis. That being said, I don’t understand how you worship in the trials. I can’t get past thinking God has abandoned me or that he is just so sick of me that he doesn’t want to listen. I consistently cry out for comfort in the “black hole of despair” only to feel more and more alone. I don’t sense his presence and I definitely don’t hear his voice. Sometimes all I want is a hug and to hear him say, “It will be okay.” You are fortunate to have dear friends that understand your pain – who are traveling down the same road as you are. I don’t and those that I have deeply loved have rejected me because they couldn’t understand my twisted mind and overwhelming grief. Although, I will say, I am eternally grateful for your parents as they have loved me as nobody else ever has or probably ever will.

  4. Rachel,
    Praying for you often. I can’t imagine…in it all, the Lord is good.

    I know you know that…probably better than me.

    I’ll continue to pray for you.


  5. Hello Rachel

    I just wanted to let you know you have been on my heart alot lately. know that I am praying for you. and sending love to you today.

  6. For what it’s worth, I think I know very well how you feel. It’s exhausting and somewhat disheartening trying to find the right meds and always coming up short.

  7. Rachel,

    Hope this finds you well. As I’ve finally become stable and out on the job hunt I haven’t been on much lately. Hope that the changes in meds are still going well. You’re in my thoughts and prayers often.


  8. Hi Rachel, i can sure relate to your frustration. the problem with bipolar disease is that is difficult to regulate with medications, and even when the right medicine or combination of medicines is found, they have to be monitored carefully because body chemistry changes. I’d suggest you go to a major medical center if you haven’t already. Best would be the Mayo Clinic, Massachusetts General, or Johns Hopkins. Other than lodging and transportation, these places are not more expensive that others, yet they are light years ahead on research and pharmacology. You’re a precious sister. Don’t lose hope. Blessings and prayer, Larry

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