Today was kind of heavy. I spoke with my dear friend and mentor, H. She is so precious to me, such a gift from God, so truly a sister, words cannot express. She’s so wise and God’s used her immeasurably in my life. She’s kind of like my Ananias, used by God to drop the scales off my eyes.
Today, I shared with her how heavily I was hit by a Bible study that talked about how Christians were not meant to live in defeat. She let me talk about it a bit and then said to me, “But, Rachel, you aren’t in defeat. You are sick.” She spoke more, and the gist of it was, “If you were in defeat, you would be failing, falling, actively in willful sin. You are not any of those things, you are just sick.”
I told her how defeated I feel, so much of the time, and she reminded me that it’s not about how I feel. And then she nailed me when she told me that I really have a problem with self-loathing. Immediately, I started to cry, because that is so true. I told her how I know so much of these things are lies, but they are so powerful.
She challenged me to pray about this, to pray that I would see myself how God sees me, to pray to know how much God loves me, to get my eyes off myself and on to how big God is, to pray to see how it’s all about Jesus and what He’s done already and not where I think I am failing, etc. I was so moved by this exchange.
We hung up and I went back to my work and later, a song I’d almost forgotten about came on my iPod. It’s called Let Your Light Shine by Bethany Dillon (who’s amazing, by the way). I listened to this wonderful song, and then listened to it the whole drive home, over and over again.
As I listened, I initially cringed, because the thought of God’s light shining on all the dark places of my heart scared me. But then I remembered, I have nothing to fear from God’s light. I am completely redeemed, bought and paid for at the cross. My sins, yes, were as scarlet, but now they are white as snow. God’s light is not something for me to fear, it is something for me to welcome. God’s light will shine on the lies I struggle with and expose them. His light will separate lies from the truth. His light will banish the darkness and the work of the evil one. And yes, His light, the light of love, will expose areas in me that He wants to change, because He loves me! Not to shame me.
This was such a powerful revelation to me. I could not stop weeping in gratitude that the one that split the light from the darkness would shine the light of His truth, love, and glory on me! That He’s filled me with His Spirit, covered me with His blood and love.
I wanted to share the song with you all. Be sure to listen carefully to the lyrics (they’re in the video, too), because they are really rich.
As I was weeping and trying to sing, I prayed “God, let me stop crying so that I can really sing this to you.” Immediately, the Lord spoke to my heart saying “I love it when you sing to me like this, through tears of gratitude.” How awesome is our God!”
But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. 1 Peter 2:9&10 (emphasis mine)
And here’s a bonus song about God’s marvelous light…