when faith is difficult

“Behold the proud, His soul is not upright in him; But the just shall live by his faith.” Habakkuk 2:4

so, that’s God speaking to habakkuk, the prophet.  dad was thinking of habakkuk today and suggested i read the book.  i am all whacked out right now, so i can’t get through the whole book, but i’ve been thinking on this verse, especially the second half: “…but the just shall live by his faith.”

“the just” refers to those that have been justified by the Lord.  believers in Jesus Christ, etc.  so, me. and hopefully you.

“shall live” is interesting, because it’s in the imperfect tense: it refers to continuing action.  i know you’re probably saying “duh, we have to continue to live” but we also have to continue the act of living by faith.  it’s not a one time decision; it’s a moment by moment active choice.  which of course, means it’s harder.

and then there’s “faith.”  this word means “firmness, fidelity, steadfastness, steadiness.”  i feel completely unsteady.  you know how when you are on a roller coaster or some other crazy amusement park ride, or you are on a boat at sea and the motion makes you sick?  that’s what i feel like from all the emotional up and down and upheaval of this illness.  my soul, my spirit are sick, sick to the point of wanting to vomit.

i know somehow that faith is the key to getting through this.  i just don’t know what to believe in anymore.  i mean, i know to believe in God, and i do.  but it seems like i need to have faith in some kind of outcome and i don’t have a clue what outcome i should be hoping for.

i know some things have to change, and i know at least one of those things in me.  i’m useless to the Lord now, not serving, etc.  so i know the Lord wants to teach me to live with this illness.  but, does he want to change my physical circumstance?  does he want to heal me somehow (through medication and treatment, or miraculously)?  i’m so confused on this, and i don’t know why.  should it just be enough to trust the Lord to do what is right?


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