now what?

here i was, thinking things were so much better.  yes, i have been under a lot of stress, but i was sure God was teaching me how to manage it better, to recognize my illness better and respond to it better.  i thought things were getting better at work.  and then i realized that something was weird.  something was off.  ever since i’d told my boss that i had a mental illness and that i needed a more stable schedule (time-wise) because of it, something seemed different.  she seemed harsher, more critical, only negatives to comment on, no positives.

and yesterday it all came crashing down.  finally it seemed like we were going to have the conversation i’d been asking for, about why she was being so critical, what was going on, what could i do.  instead, i got blindsided by two write ups.  the first was stupid.  stupid on my part and stupid on theirs.  i made a mistake in ignorance that they considered so serious they wrote me up in such a way that i wont be able to transfer to another location for 6 months.  good by transfer when we move.  goodbye healthcare going with me. and for a mistake they never would have known about if i hadn’t told them.

but the second one.  that’s the one that’s given me a headache for the last 24 hours.  that’s had me questioning everything. apparently, while i’ve thought things were going so well, thought i was finding my groove, getting better at dealing with stressful situations at work and with people, everyone else has thought i was a monster, a menace…that i was “terrorizing” everyone.  according to my boss she has pages and pages of statements from people about how awful i’ve been.  according to my boss, i’ve humiliated people, and other words i can’t quite remember.

i’m in total shock.  i mean, if all these people agree that i’ve been this monster, i must be the wrong one.  i’m not under any illusions about that.  but how could i have been SO wrong?  SO blind?  how could i have seen things SO differently from everyone else?  how could i have missed what my boss called the obvious tension when i’m in charge?

i did the only thing i could think to do: i stepped down.  i mean, if i am so blind to all these problems, how on earth can i fix them? especially when i am given no opportunity to speak to the people that have accused me (i don’t even know who they are), so i can’t understand what i did that was so misinterpreted/misunderstood.

i’m at such a loss.  i’m so confused.  i have no idea what is real or true right now.  i sure know i can’t trust my perceptions, or anyone at work. how could God have let me be so awful to these people and never know it?  not feel the slightest conviction or twinge that i needed to apologize or change something?

how could i have tried so hard and failed so miserably? i don’t understand anything.  i don’t know what’s real.  and i’m struggling really hard with even the idea of keeping going, because what’s the point?  if i could try so hard and be so wrong and fail so epically, then why try at all?

and i have to go back there because i have to work.  i have to go back, embarrassed and ashamed and surrounded by people that never gave me a chance, never told me anything was wrong.  instead they went to my boss and never gave me a chance to make it right.  i want to be sick even thinking about it.

i wish i could go to bed and that crazy rapture guy would be right and i’d wake up in heaven.