i am grotesquely remiss in updating my blog. please accept my apologies and i hope you can forgive me!
picking up where we left off, i headed to the hospital on 11/26. it was interesting. they had a lot of resources, because all the whole complex did was inpatient mental health. so, we got to go outside, see the sunshine, go to the gym, eat meals in a cafeteria (and get them the way we like them!) and not be cooped up in a little section of a hospital floor like in oklahoma. i was constantly grateful for being able to go outside. it was so nice to have the freedom.
so it was a good hospital, good staff, good therapists, etc. i met a lot of interesting and nice people there. God blessed me with Christians to talk to, to remind me of his presence.
and, i had a BIG breakthrough.
i have known for a long time that i was fundamentally caught up in negative thinking. (automatic negative thoughts or ANTs, so they say) and that i hated myself. but everything i ever heard or read about breaking the spells of self-loathing and negativity seemed so stupid. it all sounded so hippy dippy and smarmy and foolish. it sounded like trying to convince yourself to believe a lie by just repeating it often enough. logically, i could not accept it.
but, at the hospital, i finally realized/accepted/believed that if the way i thought didn’t change, i would end up cycling in and out of hospitals forever, until i eventually did kill myself. if the way i thought didn’t change, nothing would change. no matter how stupid it seems, i have to do whatever it takes to change the way i think, or i will never get better. i’m tired of momentarily feeling better without really being better; only delaying the inevitable.
so, i got out of the hospital on 12/3, and i’ve been taking it easy at work. i’ve been to see a psychiatrist here. i’m not sure if he will be permanent, or just until i find somebody else, but i took the step. i will also be auditioning counselors/therapists after the holidays. there’s a christian counseling center less than a mile from my house and i’m going to try there first.
and i’m researching on my own, looking for things that will reach me about abolishing negative thinking and accepting myself as i am.
i’m sure it’s going to be a long process, but i feel like i have a plan, i know what to do, and that is reason to hope.
thank you, Jesus. without you, i could never have understood or believed the truth. and i know you will be the one to see my through the road to wellness.