my apologies

i am grotesquely remiss in updating my blog.  please accept my apologies and i hope you can forgive me!

picking up where we left off, i headed to the hospital on 11/26. it was interesting. they had a lot of resources, because all the whole complex did was inpatient mental health. so, we got to go outside, see the sunshine, go to the gym, eat meals in a cafeteria (and get them the way we like them!) and not be cooped up in a little section of a hospital floor like in oklahoma. i was constantly grateful for being able to go outside. it was so nice to have the freedom.

so it was a good hospital, good staff, good therapists, etc.  i met a lot of interesting and nice people there. God blessed me with Christians to talk to, to remind me of his presence.

and, i had a BIG breakthrough.

i have known for a long time that i was fundamentally caught up in negative thinking. (automatic negative thoughts or ANTs, so they say) and that i hated myself.  but everything i ever heard or read about breaking the spells of self-loathing and negativity seemed so stupid. it all sounded so hippy dippy and smarmy and foolish. it sounded like trying to convince yourself to believe a lie by just repeating it often enough. logically, i could not accept it.

but, at the hospital, i finally realized/accepted/believed that if the way i thought didn’t change, i would end up cycling in and out of hospitals forever, until i eventually did kill myself. if the way i thought didn’t change, nothing would change. no matter how stupid it seems, i have to do whatever it takes to change the way i think, or i will never get better. i’m tired of momentarily feeling better without really being better; only delaying the inevitable.

so, i got out of the hospital on 12/3, and i’ve been taking it easy at work. i’ve been to see a psychiatrist here. i’m not sure if he will be permanent, or just until i find somebody else, but i took the step.  i will also be auditioning counselors/therapists after the holidays. there’s a christian counseling center less than a mile from my house and i’m going to try there first.

and i’m researching on my own, looking for things that will reach me about abolishing negative thinking and accepting myself as i am.

i’m sure it’s going to be a long process, but i feel like i have a plan, i know what to do, and that is reason to hope.

thank you, Jesus. without you, i could never have understood or believed the truth. and i know you will be the one to see my through the road to wellness.

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6 thoughts on “my apologies

  1. I must comment again, as to fail to do so, the Heavens would cry out. To witness what God has done is to marvel at His great Grace. It is a difficult road for Rachel; but she is on it and Jesus has promised never to leave her nor forsake her. He formed her in her mothers womb; and He does not make junk.

    Thank you Heavenly Father. Praise your Name!

  2. Hi Rachel,
    We haven’t met, but I was led to your blog through another blog that I got to through this guy that I know that had a comment on his facebook who was commented on…. you know, I just got here from surfing.
    So, I was wondering why the Lord would have me read through your blog, other than being thankful to know there are lovers of the King who are battling through such difficulties as yours. Then, while I was reading through Psalm 147-150 I found some great wisdom that perhaps may bring to light more of your breakthrough and it’s importance. (maybe?! Please God.)
    Throughout these last chapters in the Psalms they each begin and end with “Praise the Lord!”. I’m sure you’ve heard time and time how we must be thankful in every situation, giving praise always… How utterly difficult is this when we don’t feel like it? When we think and feel that God is undeserving of our praise at times? (Scary to even type that, I have come to have more fear of the Lord, thankfully.) When we’re just so sad, or hurt, or frustrated, how can we possibly praise in that moment? It seems that we are reminded to have a heart of thanksgiving and to always praise our Lord because it teaches us to bend our own will to His. The repetition and consistency of praising our King will keep us praising Him even when our emotions desire to do otherwise. For it is fitting and right for us to praise Him and be thankful.

    You are created, by Him, the One we are to praise and thank always. SO, you have finally believed the idea that if you repeat these TRUTHS about who you are, you will eventually believe them yourself. It is the same concept as bending our flesh to praise our King. Actually, you’re doing exactly that. In accepting who He says you are, you are essentially praising Him. You are learning to be thankful for His creation- you.
    (I hope it’s okay for me to write this to you, even though you don’t know me!)
    Our flesh often wants to believe even those things that hurt us, because there is an enemy who hates us and convinces us that we’re lying to ourselves if we don’t focus on our faults. How awful. We are fooled into believing we’re not allowed to look past our faults as our Savior does.

    Anyway… I truly hope this has some relevancy for you. Sharing His word always carries good, but I hope what I wrote was from Him and not me.

    I pray you hear Him and grow closer to Him than you ever imagined possible.

    With love,
    your sister in the King

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