to all of my friends, to all the people that at one time considered me a friend, to every person that i love: i am so so sorry for being such a lousy friend in the last seven years or so.
i have not returned your calls. i haven’t initiated calls or contact. i have canceled plans. i have been unreliable, a flake. you have every right to be upset with me.
i am truly sorry. i am crushed under the guilt and shame i feel about this.
i want to give you some context for you, but i don’t want to excuse myself. i just want to be sure that you know that it’s not because i don’t love you. i love all of you so much. it’s not because you aren’t important to me, or because i don’t value your friendship.
it’s because i’ve been sick–really sick. and it’s completely changed my life. you see, in June 2004, my world came crashing down around me. i’m not ready to talk about the specifics yet, but i had two really wretched, painful things happen to me. and i just broke. emotionally, mentally, psychologically i was shattered.
that shattering triggered the most intense flare of my mental illness (bipolar disorder, type II) that i have ever experienced. i knew i had issues before then, but this was like all the lights went out. there was no light for me. the things i trusted in were no longer trustworthy, with the exception of God. and even he was so incomprehensible to me. everything was spinning. i didn’t know which end was up.
i didn’t know how to explain to myself what was wrong, and i sure didn’t know how to explain it to anyone else, even my dearest friends. whenever i am feeling depressed, i tend to withdraw, and this time was no exception. i withdrew even more intensely than ever. it was like i imploded. i was trapped in my own head.
when you called, or sent emails, or otherwise reached out to me, i didn’t purposely blow you off. but i was so hurt that i didn’t want to be close to anyone. i didn’t know how to explain that i wanted to die, that i lived in blackness all the time.
when i didn’t return your call right away, i felt guilty and ashamed. and that made it harder to return that call, so i felt more guilt and shame, and on and on in a vicious cycle.
when i was supposed to hang out with you, i wanted to. but i also didn’t want to leave my house. i was so hurt i felt just raw, and if i stayed in my own little world, i thought i would be safer. plus, i was exhausted. depression makes you want to sleep, a lot. and just going to work and getting through the day was taking almost all of the energy i had.
and on top of all this, my thyroid stopped working, which made me more tired, fatigued and mentally miserable. it was the perfect storm of misery.
i have been so sick, and writing this is the first time i realized that it’s really been almost 8 years. wow. that’s awful. the good news is that i really feel like i might be on an upward trajectory and that it might last.
you might be wondering what prompted me to write this, today. well i’d been thinking about it for a while, but then i read this blog post.
the story she told was so sad and i felt such crushing guilt reading it. please forgive me.
though don’t have the right to ask you anything, i am going to ask anyway. if you can forgive me, if you still love me, if you still want to be my friend, please give me another chance. if you can, please reach out to me. the thought of reaching out to each of you is so overwhelming. it immobilizes me. especially because i am afraid that you all are angry with me and have written me off. but i am going to try.
if you can bring yourself to forgive me and reach out to me, please be patient with me and don’t give up on me too soon. i’m going to do my very best. but i’m rusty and still healing. have mercy on me.