in another sign of forward motion, i’m all set, numbers on a list, to make three appointments tomorrow. one to see a psychiatrist (finally, one actually recommended by someone i respect and trust!), one to see a counselor (among other techniques she uses Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Solution Focused Brief Therapy–these things are totally what i want: solution oriented approaches, not endless prattling on about emotional baggage) and another appointment to deal with a plain old health problem.
i’ve been putting off the first two appointments for-EV-er. i’ve been kind of paralyzed by a bad appointment with one psychiatrist here and by worrying about money. anyone that thinks having health insurance makes health care affordable must not have any big health issues. it’s a constant concern of mine and i really need to learn how to battle the concern and worry about money.
i’m just so ecstatic to see such obvious working of God in my illness. i feel so blessed to have him picking me up and helping me move forward.
i realized a new challenge today.
Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15
this verse has often caused me to cry out and ask God to slay me, because it’s too hard, i can’t take anymore, it’s not fair, i’m useless like this, and on and on. the real question for me is not whether i will trust God if He slays me. Him slaying me sounds pretty good–being with him and losing this totally broken body.
the real question is: will i trust Him if he doesn’t slay me? if i deal with this illness and it’s consequences my entire life? if i miss out on things because i just can’t handle them. if i stay totally impoverished because i can’t work anything but part time forever?
is my trust conditional? or will i take Him at His word? that He is good, that He loves us more than we can possibly imagine, that everything that happens to us is orchestrated & allowed to ultimately work out for our good, that He keeps our tears in a bottle, and that His heart is tender toward us?
oh Lord, you know i once asked you what would happen if i was so mentally ill that i forgot you, forgot that you existed. and i know what you told me–that you would never forget me. remind my heart of you at every moment. remind me of your great love for me.
Yes, in the way of Your judgments, O LORD, we have waited for You; The desire of [our] soul [is] for Your name And for the remembrance of You. Isaiah 26:8