forward motion

Jumping; running straight high jump

in another sign of forward motion, i’m all set, numbers on a list, to make three appointments tomorrow. one to see a psychiatrist (finally, one actually recommended by someone i respect and trust!), one to see a counselor (among other techniques she uses Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Solution Focused Brief Therapy–these things are totally what i want: solution oriented approaches, not endless prattling on about emotional baggage) and another appointment to deal with a plain old health problem.

i’ve been putting off the first two appointments for-EV-er. i’ve been kind of paralyzed by a bad appointment with one psychiatrist here and by worrying about money. anyone that thinks having health insurance makes health care affordable must not have any big health issues. it’s a constant concern of mine and i really need to learn how to battle the concern and worry about money.

i’m just so ecstatic to see such obvious working of God in my illness. i feel so blessed to have him picking me up and helping me move forward.

i realized a new challenge today.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15

this verse has often caused me to cry out and ask God to slay me, because it’s too hard, i can’t take anymore, it’s not fair, i’m useless like this, and on and on. the real question for me is not whether i will trust God if He slays me. Him slaying me sounds pretty good–being with him and losing this totally broken body.

the real question is: will i trust Him if he doesn’t slay me? if i deal with this illness and it’s consequences my entire life? if i miss out on things because i just can’t handle them. if i stay totally impoverished because i can’t work anything but part time forever?

is my trust conditional? or will i take Him at His word? that He is good, that He loves us more than we can possibly imagine, that everything that happens to us is orchestrated & allowed to ultimately work out for our good, that He keeps our tears in a bottle, and that His heart is tender toward us?

oh Lord, you know i once asked you what would happen if i was so mentally ill that i forgot you, forgot that you existed. and i know what you told me–that you would never forget me. remind my heart of you at every moment. remind me of your great love for me.

Yes, in the way of Your judgments, O LORD, we have waited for You; The desire of [our] soul [is] for Your name And for the remembrance of You. Isaiah 26:8 

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9 thoughts on “forward motion

    • i am so glad to see you! i sure hope you are doing well. where are you blogging at now?

      and for the comment, since it reminds me i haven’t been posting much lately!

  1. good to see you as well. I am good…coming though a season myself…I saw one of your articles over at More Than Coping blog and thought it might be ok to stop in to give you a hug here…

    Where have I been blogging…not too much really…once in a while at ERunner’s and Some at Digital Fellowship…Tony has some good devotional type posts there…Trying to get my place going again…but it’s no fun to talk to myself…lol…

    How are you doing this week?

    • you are ALWAYS welcome to come see me here. please! i get lonely talking to myself too! 😉

      this is a good week so far. God is teaching me a lot about my illness and changes i need to make to manage it better. i’m very excited about it, and feeling more hopeful than i have in a long long time.

      how are you doing right now? smooth road or rocky at the moment? how can i pray for you?

  2. sound like we are both learning and making positive changes. 🙂 always a good thing. I am glad you are having a good week so far and thankful for your hopefulness.

    this is a pretty good week for me as well…the sun has been shining all week and it is warm out.

    I have stumbled upon a book that is really helping me with understanding some of my emotions/feelings…I am not very far into the book yet though…I find it hard to read more than a few pages because of the emotional stress? is that the right wording…the emotions that it stirs up…it is the dissociative identity disorder sourcebook by deborah bray haddock…

    another book that has been hard to read, but very good for me, is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend…

    have not been able to get though more than a few pages at a time in either of them…and the tears…but I am learning a lot in them…..

    Have you found any books or other resources that have been especially helpful to you? Have you been able to get back into any hobbies that you use to enjoy? any new things you enjoy doing?

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