Notes From the Well

On Wednesday (the 22nd), I was released from the hospital. It’s good to be home, even though it’s a little strange after being in the hospital for 2 weeks.

I’m not back at work yet. Right now I am in day treatment every weekday from 9-3. So far, so good. I even made some friends in the hospital, which I really need.

Please pray for a couple of things for me. First, I’m waiting for my insurance company to decide on my short-term disability claim. It’s a huge headache, and it’s stressing me out. My doctor is not always the best about getting stuff done and they need info from him to decide my claim.

Second, is money. I’ve used up all my vacation time and gotten my last paycheck. Until the disability is decided, I’ve got nothing more coming in. Even when the disability comes in, it’s only 60% of my salary. Between bills, it’s going to be very tight.

I know the Lord will provide, but I still need prayer. Especially that I would relax and not get stressed out. And that my meds will work and therapy, etc.

Thanks so much for the prayers you’ve already offered. I can’t express how much they mean to me.

I’m leaving in a few minutes to go check myself in to the psych ward. Please pray for me. I can’t take any crochet or my ipod, so it’s going to be hard to keep entertained. Please pray that they find good meds for me while I’m there and that my doctor, who I am NOT happy with, will by some miracle take good care of me.

I appreciate you all so much.

i forgot to update you guys. so, i think it was just illness, etc. messing with me. not to get too gross, but i had a stomach bug so i don’t know that i was getting the full benefits of my medication, if you catch my drift.

things seem to be going well the last few days so, yay. still hoping it will stick.

real update to come soon. i’ve written a lot of it down on paper, just haven’t had time to put it to a post yet.

I may have spoken too soon. Today I am not doing well. Not sure what’s wrong but trying real hard to not freak out and think the sky is falling. Im scared though. What is I’m like one of those patients in Awakenings that is better for just a short while and then the med stops working?

I’m hoping desperately that it’s just a bad combo of being sick (it seems dad gave mom and me a stomach bug), not enough sleep, stress at work, and just plain being afraid of never getting better.

i think i can safely say that adderall is the bomb for me. no side effects, no mania. nothing but good times. it’s so good it’s a bit scary: what if it doesn’t last? what if i go into mania? but it all seems to be good. i took it 6 days last week (monday through saturday) and felt great. no physical side effects: no heart racing, no trouble sleeping, no stomach upset or headache. and no emotional/mental side effects: no mania, no irritability or anxiety. then, because my doctor said to stop when my depression lifted, i stopped taking it. sunday i was fine, but yesterday i crashed hard around 9 am or so. it was awful.

so, i talked to my therapist about it at my appointment yesterday afternoon. she made me call my psychiatrist right away. she also validated what i’d thought: since this adderall worked so quickly and so well with no side effects, maybe i’ve got some kind of ADHD going on. she told me i should see my psychiatrist earlier and tell him all that i told her about my experience on this med. so, i called, got an appointment a week earlier (on april 3) and told them i wanted to start taking the adderall again. still haven’t heard back from him, but i took the adderall this morning again. it took a few hours to kick in this morning but once it did it totally turned everything around.

i can hardly believe it! this might be it! something might actually work!

so, 6 weeks after my trip to the ER, i’ve crashed bad again. instead of just feeling life has no point, i’m back to wanting to solve that by killing myself/being killed/dying. i just haven’t figured out an acceptable means.

so i call my psych on friday and they get me in for an appointment. sounds like they are taking it pretty seriously, right? the doctor grills me about past drug use and i pass cuz i don’t abuse my current meds and i haven’t used speed in the past. so he tells me he wants to put me on adderall. he says that it will help the wellbutrin work faster and that it will get me out of depression quickly, which of course sounds like heaven to me. he also ups my wellbutrin, since i’ve been on the same dose for 6 weeks and i’m still on the verge of being a danger to myself.

so, i leave with my scrips and actually dared to hope a little. to hope that maybe this nightmare might not be permanent. maybe i will feel better. i go to straight to the pharmacy and wait 30 minutes of course, only to be then told by the pharmacist that the dr. didn’t write the DEA number on the adderall scrip and he can’t fill it. immediately i burst into tears and start stammering about how that was the only reason i was there. the pharmacist says i could call the doc’s emergency line; he’s been harassed for doing so before but i could try.

so, i call and get the answering service. i tell them i have an emergency and need to speak to the dr. the rudest guy ever asks what the emergency is. i explain that i’m suicidal and the dr prescribed medication for me that i can’t get because he didn’t write the DEA number on the scrip. he tells me in the rudest way possible that the dr won’t deal with meds on the weekend (it’s 5:40 and i was just at the office at 4:30), period. he said i should go to the hospital if i needed meds that badly.

of course, that sends me into utter despair. i mean, i had dared to hope and now it’s totally ripped out from under me. i started spiraling down so fast. it might seem silly but it devastated me.

on the drive home, i decide to try and call again; maybe i’ll get someone more sympathetic on the answering service. amazingly, i do! and he takes my info and the number for the pharmacy and says he’ll pass the message on to the dr. again, i dare to hope a bit. it was 6:02 when i hung up with the service.

30 minutes goes by, no call to me and no call to the pharmacy. an hour, same. my mom calls the answering service at this point because i’m crying uncontrollably and they say they’ll call the dr. again. suffice it to say it’s now over 27 hours after i called and neither myself nor the pharmacy has received a call from the dr.

i’m utterly despondent. i mean, i don’t even deserve the courtesy of a call to tell me you won’t help me? you know i’m suicidal and you just abandon me to wait 3 days before i can get this med that you promised would help me quickly? (it’s three days because i obviously have to take it in the morning since it’s a stimulant and the pharmacy opens after i’m at work already, so even when i call on monday, i won’t get to take the med until tuesday).

i feel so completely discarded and disrespected. how am i supposed to believe that he gives a crap about me after this? how am i supposed to trust him? i actually dared to believe that this guy might be able to help me despite my firm belief that no one can help me, and now i feel violated and foolish. but the thought of finding another dr makes my stomach churn. what’s the point?

i’m so tired of everything being so hard. i’m tired of everything falling apart, of everything being one horrendous disappointment after another.

So, I had my first follow-up appointment with the new doctor yesterday. Bottom line is he wants me to give this combination of medications four more weeks to see how they do and then come see him, so I have another appointment on March 17th at 4:20 p.m. I can live with this. It takes time for these meds to reach full effectiveness, and I understand that.

But…I sort of felt like he didn’t really let me express some concerns that I had (I feel like I’ve been really crabby in the last 4 days or so, and a few other things). I’m not worried enough that I want to drop him, but it’s a red flag.

He did encourage me again to get some counseling and today I contacted a doctor. She works in the same technique (EMDR) as the therapist I saw in Austin, and not having much else to go on, I went with that. I spoke with the lady that does her scheduling today and she’s as sweet as she can be, so that’s encouraging. She said she’d call me tomorrow with an appointment time.

And there’s your nuts and bolts update.

Today was kind of heavy. I spoke with my dear friend and mentor, H. She is so precious to me, such a gift from God, so truly a sister, words cannot express. She’s so wise and God’s used her immeasurably in my life. She’s kind of like my Ananias, used by God to drop the scales off my eyes.

Today, I shared with her how heavily I was hit by a Bible study that talked about how Christians were not meant to live in defeat. She let me talk about it a bit and then said to me, “But, Rachel, you aren’t in defeat. You are sick.” She spoke more, and the gist of it was, “If you were in defeat, you would be failing, falling, actively in willful sin. You are not any of those things, you are just sick.”

I told her how defeated I feel, so much of the time, and she reminded me that it’s not about how I feel. And then she nailed me when she told me that I really have a problem with self-loathing. Immediately, I started to cry, because that is so true. I told her how I know so much of these things are lies, but they are so powerful.

She challenged me to pray about this, to pray that I would see myself how God sees me, to pray to know how much God loves me, to get my eyes off myself and on to how big God is, to pray to see how it’s all about Jesus and what He’s done already and not where I think I am failing, etc. I was so moved by this exchange.

We hung up and I went back to my work and later, a song I’d almost forgotten about came on my iPod. It’s called Let Your Light Shine by Bethany Dillon (who’s amazing, by the way). I listened to this wonderful song, and then listened to it the whole drive home, over and over again.

As I listened, I initially cringed, because the thought of God’s light shining on all the dark places of my heart scared me. But then I remembered, I have nothing to fear from God’s light. I am completely redeemed, bought and paid for at the cross. My sins, yes, were as scarlet, but now they are white as snow. God’s light is not something for me to fear, it is something for me to welcome. God’s light will shine on the lies I struggle with and expose them. His light will separate lies from the truth. His light will banish the darkness and the work of the evil one. And yes, His light, the light of love, will expose areas in me that He wants to change, because He loves me! Not to shame me.

This was such a powerful revelation to me. I could not stop weeping in gratitude that the one that split the light from the darkness would shine the light of His truth, love, and glory on me! That He’s filled me with His Spirit, covered me with His blood and love.

I wanted to share the song with you all. Be sure to listen carefully to the lyrics (they’re in the video, too), because they are really rich.

As I was weeping and trying to sing, I prayed “God, let me stop crying so that I can really sing this to you.” Immediately, the Lord spoke to my heart saying “I love it when you sing to me like this, through tears of gratitude.” How awesome is our God!”

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. 1 Peter 2:9&10 (emphasis mine)

And here’s a bonus song about God’s marvelous light…

Thank you all for your prayers. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The doctor really seemed to listen to me and to want my participation in the process of deciding what meds to try, etc. I am a little concerned because the office looks really busy, and if I have to wait a long time every time I come in, that’s going to be an issue for me. Plus, I want them to take the same kind of time/attention with me as an existing patient as they did with me as a new patient.

The doctor put me on 3 meds: two mood stabilizers and an antidepressant. I’ve tried one of the mood stabilizers before and while it didn’t really help, it didn’t hurt and I lost 20 lbs. I’m hoping to lose again. That would be sweet as I really need the weight loss. I am hopeful about the antidepressant as depression is the predominant feature of my illness.

I am concerned about the 2nd mood stabilizer, though. It appears to be causing significant morning drowsiness for me, and that cannot continue. I have to go to work in the morning. It’s so odd because 14 hours after taking the med (I take it with dinner), I’m having a very hard time waking up in the morning. I’ve got some feelers out to see if it might get better with time, but I’m pretty afraid to take it tonight, since I have to go to work in the morning, and I have to get up 2.5 hours earlier than I do on the weekends.

I’d appreciate your prayers for wisdom as I try to figure out how to handle this med.