Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow

I love My Utmost for His Highest.  Oswald Chambers really has a way with words.  A real entry will be coming soon, but for now, I want to share today’s reading, because it’s really ministering to me.

Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow

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. . . what shall I say? ’Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. ’Father, glorify Your name’ —John 12:27-28

As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour.

We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them.

Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

Clean Slate

Has anyone ever been tempted to tell their doctor, “I want to get off all the medication I’m on now and start over from scratch.”

It’s been over a year for me and I’m still not stable. I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of trying to throw a new med in, and when it doesn’t work dumping it for another.

I’m on these meds:

• 200 mg of lamictal 2x daily
• 600 mg of lithium am, 900 pm
• 100 mg of seroquel at bedtime

before the seroquel, we tried 5 mg of abilify once a day and that didn’t make a dent.

It seems like every time I try a new med, it works for a while and then it doesn’t.

I’m so discouraged by this.  I know that the Lord knows exactly what meds I need, and He has His reasons (good ones!) for not showing them to my doctor yet.  But I am so so sick of this.

On Distance, Change, and Being a Flake

I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but ever since I got sick, I have felt this tremendous distance from some of the people that I love. I think it started with just typical depression and the social withdrawing that comes with it. Then it sort of migrated into the “secret life of the soul” where I just felt like there was so much inside me, inside my head, that I could never explain it all, so that created distance. Then there’s the fact that mental illness makes it so hard to do what you commit to, to leave your house, to do anything! And there’s the ever present fact that I am just not the same person that I was before all this. I’ve been changed. In some ways, maybe it’s like living through a violent crime, or the death of a loved one, or war. Not to equate those experience to mental illness, but maybe there are some experiences that just change us–deeply–from the inside out.

I have these relationships that I feel are just never going to be the same again. It’s sad, but maybe there are some relationships that can’t survive such deep and profound change in a person - at least not without them changing severely. I just wish I knew how or had the inner fortitude to fix them or bring them back to some semblance of real.

That’s just one of the things I love about Jesus: our relationship is always 100% real, even when I try to fake it. He sees and hears every thought I have; I never, ever have to explain myself or what I’m feeling to Him. He knows all this and He loves me anyway. He never judges me, never thinks I’m a flake when I really can’t do something, and doesn’t get irritated with me when I really am a flake.

I wish it wasn’t so hard with other people.

Small Favors

This weekend has been an improvement over last week.  I’m still sick from some kind of cold or maybe allergies, but mentally i’m doing better.  What’s really socking is that my house is actually clean.  Well, almost all of it.  I’m going to clean the kitchen tomorrow, and there’s some stuff in my bedroom to straighten up, but the bathroom is spotless.  The living room is glorious and the dining room is actually ready for dining!  I don’t know if I’m manic or what, but at this point I really don’t care.  My house is actually clean!!

Nothing like mental illness to make you appreciate the little things.

Fear

Things I’m afraid of:

• That I am so fat my friends think I’m lazy or disgusting when they see me.
• That friends who haven’t seen me since I gained all the weight will be taken aback when they do see me.
• That strangers make fun of my when I’m out because of my weight.
• to go out because of the previous three fears.
• That I’m annoying because the mania gives me diarrhea of the mouth.
• That my meds are never going to get right and I’ll feel like I’m on this crazy pendulum forever.
• That I’m never going to find love because I’m so wretched to look at.
• That I’m going to get crazier.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Pray!

Please please please pray!  I just applied for a job in the city I want to move to that I think might be perfect for me.  It’s analyzing regulations and making sure the department and requests are in compliance.  That’s all I do all day here!  But, I’m an idiot and I didn’t modify my application to really showcase that.  I know if I got an interview with them I could knock their socks off with all the regulations I know and the experience I have with them.

If this is the Lord’s will, I really want it!  So, please pray that they’ll give me an interview and even the job!

Cheating

Yes, I know this is cheating, but I’m going to do it anyway.

“The moral spiritual effect when we fall upon God because there is nobody else to fall upon is that we hope in Him more fully and we hope in the world less. And that’s a good thing. That’s the most important thing in the universe: to hope more in God.” –John Piper

Discuss.

Time to Update

Sorry I haven’t been around. I haven’t been doing well, and when it’s like that, I find I don’t have much to say, or don’t want to say it, or am afraid to say it, etc. I’ve tried to decide which side of bipolar is worse: depression or mania. I’ve learned that it’s neither. The worst is what they call a “mixed state.” It’s all the fun of both bipolar <b>and</b> mania at the very same time. That’s where I’ve been for the last few weeks, and it’s awful.

I visited the doctor last week, and he prescribed a new medication for me. I’m not sure yet if it’s helping my mental health, but it’s sure helping my sleep. I’ve been getting to bed earlier and sleeping better ever since I started taking it.

Thank you all for your birthday wishes. Allan: I haven’t seen 21 in a long time! I felt much better today than yesterday, and even got to hang out with some friends that wanted to make a cake for me, etc. They said it was not right to be alone on your birthday.

I must say though it’s a strange birthday. Usually, I’m excited about the year ahead. But this time, I’m a bit scared. What if I’m not better in the coming year? What if we don’t get the medications right? What if there’s not healing in this year?

To that end, I am praying (and covet your prayers) about a move. I have a friend (mentor, sister in Christ) in a town nearby whose husband pastors a church there. If I move there I might be able to finish my degree, but the biggest reason to go is for healing. I’ve got some scars that I haven’t shared here, and might never, but they linger and I know they aren’t helping the mental health problems. My friend also has the same diagnosis as me, and such wisdom from the Lord. I know know know that the Lord can use her to help me to navigate these troubled waters.

So, maybe that move will be something exciting and healing in the coming year. God’s will above all, though.

How Long, Oh Lord?

I’m not up to writing a whole post, so here are a few songs from shane and shane.

This one is new to me.

how long oh Lord will You forget me
how long oh Lord will You hide
hide Your face from me
how long must i wrestle with me
and everyday have sorrow in my heart
sorrow in my heart

i will wait on You
i will wait on You
i will wait on You

look on me Lord and answer me
give my eyes light or i will sleep in death
i will sleep in death
my enemies say “i will overcome him”
and my foes rejoice even when i fall
i dont want to fall

for i will trust in Your unfailing love
my heart rejoices in Your salvation
i will sing to the Lord

This one is not new, but is deeply loved.

You are all
big and small
beautiful
and wonderful
to trust in grace through faith
but i’m asking to taste…

for dark is light to You
depths are height to You
far is near
but Lord, i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

Your fullness is mine
revelation divine
but, o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace…

for dark is light to You
the depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord
i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

When Worship Hurts

Oftentimes when I am deep in the throes of depression, worship is an absolutely agonizing experience. Many of us know the privilege of being so awed and overwhelmed by our God during worship that tears come to our eyes. But imagine if you could not stop crying during worship – if you did nothing but cry and couldn’t even sing. Imagine this crying accompanied by tremendous pain. This is frequently my experience while depressed.

I believe in praising God in (during, not for) our trials. The sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:15) is precious to the Lord and is a good discipline for all of us. And it’s never so much a sacrifice as when we are suffering. But, why are there times when worship hurts?

For me, I’ve come to understand a few reasons why it hurts. One reason is that when I worship, I am reminded of how amazing our God is. He is completely powerful, reigning over all – nothing happens without Him allowing it. This is a glorious and comforting thought. But, the flip side of this is that God is in control of everything but is allowing my suffering to continue, even after three and a half years. Why would He do that when He could stop it? He loves me; why is He letting this happen?

Another reason is that there are so few worship songs that reflect anything other than perfect happiness. There aren’t many that praise the Lord through sorrow, that acknowledge that one can be in the depths of the pit and still worship. And those that do exist are almost never played in a church. This is so odd to me since there are a number of Psalms that reflect David’s crushing sorrow and they still worship the Lord.

This deluge of “happy” worship songs sometimes make it feel like I am less of a Christian because I can’t work up those kinds of feelings. I can’t sing those songs honestly, and that is painful, too. What’s wrong with me?

This is especially upsetting to me, because some of my best times with the Lord are worshipping in my car. These are some of the most awesome quiet times I have, especially when I’m really sick and can’t concentrate on much else.

I can’t think of any other reasons right now, but I am sure there are more. If you’ve got any more, please share in the comments.

I wish I had an answer as to how to make worship stop hurting, but I don’t. I only know that I can push through it and wait until I’m not so depressed and it hurts less.